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Updated 10/28/05

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got in! to me,

so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:

"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back.

There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

================================================

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

===============================================

==============================================

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Woman: I stole this car.

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: 'Betcha the liar told you I was speeding too.

=========================================

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down & came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it is for an honorable and useful reason.

===================================

Redneck Cat Carrier

===================================

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date

on Saturday night."

--Rodney Dangerfield

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

--Jack Nicholson

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just

give her a house."

===================================

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of

My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going

to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't

have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

" Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that

My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

================================================

If you have some good ones, please forward 'em to me!

===============================================


	Welcome to My Web Site \| Home Introduction \| North Adams Airport \| Diego Garcia \| USS Coronado \| Family Photos \| Family News \| North Carolina Trip \| Friends \| Steve Sauvé \| Religion \| Weird Stuff \| Humor \| Links \| Interests \| Contact Info Humor Updated 10/28/05 This could happen to you! I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got in! to me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions! ================================================ He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Homer Simpson Sound Bites =============================================== ============================================== THE SPEEDER Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: 'Betcha the liar told you I was speeding too. ========================================= THE WOODCUTTER One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down & came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes this time." The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it is for an honorable and useful reason. =================================== Redneck Cat Carrier =================================== "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart =================================== Home Schooling My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY. There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home." My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way." My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." My mother taught me about my ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" ================================================ If you have some good ones, please forward 'em to me! =============================================== Go to Links Page Back to Top Home Introduction \| North Adams Airport \| Diego Garcia \| USS Coronado \| Family Photos \| Family News \| North Carolina Trip \| Friends \| Steve Sauvé \| Religion \| Weird Stuff \| Humor \| Links \| Interests \| Contact Info